What Makes Me Happy?

I feel compelled to answer the question, “What Makes Me Happy?”  After one person responded to one of my previous blogs and posted that question, I started thinking more positively and deeply.  I am thankful for getting a rewarding job to teach grade 1.  I am thankful for the help I did receive from friends, co-workers, and neighbours when I went into surgery.  The friends that I thought would help me never returned my calls.  I am lucky to have almost loved or really liked one man and even though he chose to marry another woman, I’m happy that he’s happy.  I like my one bedroom apartment and my one-eyed black cat too.  I love listening to Alicia Keyes.  I like standing up for women’s rights and workers’ rights too.

The last few days have had me thinking more deeply about life.  I am afraid of dying but at least mom is on the other side of the bridge, so to speak, to help me through.  I went to the emergency Tuesday after work.  My principal, resource teacher, and two other teachers escorted me to the hospital.  Prior to that I had repeatedly puked on my principal’s office floor and her jacket.  The extreme pain in my stomach (upper abdominal), lower back, and chest scared me.  What is important in my life I thought?  Reading and editing my 15 page evaluation was on the bottom of my list but I did make it through 2 pages while I was in the midst of getting sick.  I thought about my family and how they are never here to support me and I thought about my kids in my classroom if they were climbing the walls like Spiderman yet.  I thought this was it.  I barely made it to the Emergency department of the hospital and waiting felt forever.  I was surprised to see my principal and fellow teachers looking down on me.  They commented about how grey I looked and that I almost looked as old as them??  They talked strictly teacher talk but did try to help by asking the doctor and nurses’ questions.  They were looking out for my health but boy was I embarassed.  Would I rather my co-workers help me out or my neighbour that has a crush on me assist me?  Being in love, making love, kissing, or anything of those sorts is not going to make me happy right now.  I arrived home late Tuesday night and only to be surprised by my neighbour (he does live 3 floors above me) and he seemed to be more in the way than anything else.  After that, I slept 17.5 hours – is that even possible??  I woke up in horrible pain that I had felt when I first went to the hospital and I received a text from my neighbour Wednesday evening asking if I would like to join him and drink a bottle of red wine.  Is he crazy?  Did he not see me looking dishevelled?  He doesn’t even like red wine.  He offered vanilla yogourt an hour later but I chose not to reply to his text message.  Asking me to drink wine took me back to the night that my mom passed away 2.5 years ago.  I was waitressing at Montana’s wearing my rattiest old jeans and the lights were dimmed.  I took a phone call in the manager’s office and my sisters’ told me mom didn’t wake up from her sleep.  That night after work, my roommate offered me a beer and I felt disgusted that all he thinks of is beer and getting loaded.  Life is like a beer, you keep drinking and drinking and going and going.  I guess that’s his reasoning but I felt that same disgusted feeling when my neighbour asked me if I wanted to drink wine.  What would make me happy is if I didn’t feel so ill.  I am going to a walk-in clinic tomorrow as it takes 2 weeks to book an appointment with my own family doctor.  If I can make it through all this I would like to take a dance class and in the future practice playing piano some more.  Ohhhhh…. could my stomach just stop and rest?

Salted Crackers

I accidentally purchased crackers with salted tops.  I used to love them as a kid as I couldn’t bear to live without my salt, heavly doused parmesan cheese on spaghetti, and buttered popcorn to the nth degree.  But I was so disappointed in myself that I cried over buying the wrong crackers.  I thought I grabbed the SALT FREE crackers… (I’m on a low in sodium diet now). 

Things are still the same here in Calgary except I have a few more visitors not from friends but from silverfish bugs.  I hate bugs especially when they fall onto my toast that is smothered in cheeze whiz. 

I grew up in a house of lies.  I’m 25 now and I live in an apartment of honesty.  What does that look like?  It looks like second hand furniture because I’m honest enough to admit I can’t afford the nice brand name furniture.

It’s 3:07 am and I can’t sleep.  I guess I’ll be watching the sun come up.  Here is one positive change that happened in my life.  I’m no longer waitressing, cocktailing, bartending, dancing around a beer tub anymore, or having random old and ugly men grabbing tightly onto my ass.  I work with extreme special needs children at a day camp.  These are the same kids (most are teenagers though) that I worked with when I was an Education Assitant.  The job is rewarding but dangerous at the same time.

I start teaching grade 1 in 2 weeks.  I feel as if I am most likely to fail.  Is this what I really want to do?  Well, it’s better than waitressing and 1000 times better than getting one’s nose broken in a special needs school.  My nose is throbbing with pain and my teeth are still burning 3 months after the incident – that is why I’m up tonight.  However, is teaching children what I’ve always wanted in life?  Sometimes I wish I could just drown myself in music and live a non-existant life.  But it’s not working.  Then I question, what is the purpose of life?  How do I keep living life despite all the obstacles?  Somewhere along the way I picked up resiliency.  I guess I just have to keep going and live in the now not the past. 

Now, I’m going to have a snack.  Maybe one of those salted crackers and low in salt tomato soup.

Smirnoff Tears

Smirnoff tears drop onto my white cotton purse

Thoughts linger through my mind

“You’ll never make it as a teacher.  You don’t have enough patience.”

I cut the strings linking each sausage apart with a dull tiny knife

Blowing the candles out;

Wishing I were a fish

Home is what I want

Searching

Waiting

New chapter

And you’re not in it

How to be more positive

I’ve always wondered how to be more positive; although, many people see me as a positive, enthusiastic, nice person.  I agree with them for most of the time, however, like many of us, it is hard to remain positive in difficult circumstances.  I’m so happy that I’m graduating with my second degree, have already been offered a temporary teaching contract, I continue to live on my own with my beautiful one-eyed cat, Karma, and I am able to overcome many obstacles.  I was let go by my recent work at a busy downtown Irish pub in Calgary because I had to go to the Emergency for fear of a blood clot.  I was scared, but optimistic to return to work until they dropped me like a rock (pardon the cliche). 

So, I was fired.  I got over it, but it took me longer than usual to recover.  After 3 nights of crying and walking around with the word, ‘reject’ on my forehead, I managed to gain enough confidence to apply to other restaurant jobs.  Actually, I’ve been hired at 3 terrific jobs, but I don’t know what one or two I should pick as the schedules conflict and they don’t all offer job security or guaranteed full-time hours.  What to do???

I feel like I’m always worrying.  I have only myself to support and I always have to make sure I have rent paid on time and bills.  But next month is looking a little iffy.  It doesn’t take much to become homeless.  And I do feel invisible.  However, I am a confident smart woman that will make it in any situation.  I just wish I had my family to support me, talk to me, come visit me in person.  It’s a lonely existance in this big city…  I try to call my sisters only to have one say, “I can’t talk on my cell phone as it is a work phone.”  My other sister, is understandably busy with a baby, husband, family, visitors, and life in general and I feel so LEFT OUT OF THE PICTURE because they need to eat crapes that an Uncle cooked for them.  Just take one more minute to finish up a conversation with me so that I feel included.  No wonder I feel like I have no family.  Not unless you are in my shoes, it is hard to get through the daily rhythms of life.  Everyone’s too busy for me.  I just want to feel wanted.  I miss talking and knowing everything about my family.  It’s sad that this family has dispersed like it has. 
In every interview I’ve had, the interviwer would ask, “Do you have family living here in Calgary?”  Of course, my answer is no.  But I responded in such a sad sigh that it’s obvious something is missing in my life.  I’m glad that no-one intrudes to find out why I’m a by myselfer.  I miss being my positive self as I miss being around family.  Most of all, I miss my mom. 

Uuuugggghhh!  How to be more positive??  Am I there yet?  I try so hard to be.  Well, at least I’m happy to wake up each morning and face new experiences.

I also feel like I’m searching for the answers, advice, a loving home, and my mom.  I’m always wondering what my mom is doing, if she’s sitting next to me, watching down on me, or eating bagels with cream cheese sitting on the clouds.  I’m not positive; I’m always hoping but usually failing.  I don’t have that many friends, the cost of living in Calgary is becoming too difficult, and I keep getting rejected from jobs because I’m not that flexible in availability and I’m ‘over qualified’ because of my 2 degrees.

My mom always said, “Life isn’t always easy, it is hard.”  I certainly believe that statement and I have been living it since I was 17 (Being 25 now).  I keep wanting to write, “I wish….” But none of my wishes have or will come true.  My family and I seem to have a bad streak of luck lately.  I thought the Irish were supposed to have all the luck, but I guess the potato famine ideals play in our lives today.

Qualities in Guys I Will Not Date

I have decided to make a list of qualities that I don’t like in men.  This will help me organize what I’m looking for when dating guys.

I do not date men who are…

1. shrimps

2. overly friendly

3. under the influence all the time

4. dishwashers

5. unattractive with brown and black teeth or missing half their teeth

6.  unecessarily repetitive when they say ’true that’ at the end of every sentence

7. too shy

8. hermits

9. superfluous apologizers

10. addicted to video games

11. looking and talking like Goofy

12. lacking ambition

13. who already has a girlfriend/fiance

I think that’s it for my list.  Those are the types of guys that hit on me that I’m trying to get away from.  It drives me nuts when guys still hit on me or ask for a hug for no apparent reason and I clearly tell them I’m not interested in dating them.  It makes it hard to visit my friends when they are hanging around staring at me.  For example, I was trying to read a book my friend gave me and I timed it for 1.5 hours this guy stared at me while I was reading.  I finally had enough and told him to stop and left.  Then he asked for a hug???  He’s the overly friendly guy that is usually under the influence.  LOL! 

Reflections on Family, Work, and Life

“I am not stupid,” I thought to myself when I was working at James Joyce.  My co-worker told me I had to walk faster and make it look like I’m busy.  She told me I rang in drinks incorrectly.  I knew I rang in two caesars with regular vodka instead of grey goose, but there was no button for it.  The whole Irish Pub (downtown Calgary) filled up within a half hour and all I could think is, “Will I ever get through this?”  There wasn’t time to complain about the work load, all I had to do was keep my feet moving, brain memorizing, and write down as much as possible except when my hands were full.  It was extremely busy as the opera attracted people downtown.  With very little help from my manager and co-worker, I managed to get to all my tables, serve drinks in a timely manner, and get food orders in; however, only one table of four left as I was running food for hundreds of people by myself.  And only one table left a horrible tip of $5.00 on a $100 bill.  I like my new job at this contemporary but rustic Irish Pub, and I work hard as it is a higher end pub with good tips.  I’ve even served doctors I have seen at walk-in clinics in Calgary.  We wear penguin uniforms (tuxedo shirts, bow tie, black pants), but I can’t say it’s flattering as it seems very male-like to wear these tacky outfits.  I like my job, but I can’t wait to leave the life of drama and lifting heavy plates into teaching elementary children.

I lost half my family last year.  Never thought it would happen.  I’ve been through so much and have had to learn to cope quickly.  Lots of my friends and guys I date shock me now as they have very little life experience.  They live at home with their parents with free rent and groceries, work low end jobs as hotel guest attendants who carry in luggage, work in retail, dishwashers at various restaurants or if lucky prep line cooks, or car wash attendants at Bubbles.  I’ve met guys who were interested in me (but I was certainly not interested in them) as they don’t want to pursue any professional life goals; they would rather smoke up, smoke cigarrettes, and drink any time/occassion that sees them fit.  I could never be with anyone like that and I would not want to be friends with them.  I told this guy Devon that I had a respiratory tract infection and that I would not be visiting his house anymore as they smoke everything inside and that it bothers me.  He thought that my antibiotics would cure me but I told him that smoking and second hand smoke makes me sick and that it is not a cure-all, I just don’t want to be around people like that anymore.  Without thinking (like usual), he said he would quit for me.  I laughed at him (kinda mean, I know) and said that he had to quit for him not for others.  I explained to him that I would never date him as we have nothing in common, he still needs to grow up as he’s 5 years younger than me, and that he needs to make better choices in his life.  It’s like he didn’t understand the part, “I will never date you,” but he still pursues me.  So, he now wants to talk to me one-on-one and get to know me.  What is there to know?  I’m studying to be a teacher and you are not my type.  Why is it that the immature boys hit on me?  Just because I look 18 doesn’t mean I should be hit on by lame-o boys who live a non-consequence type of life, and probably have never done laundry, groceries, cooking, or attended university.  Most didn’t even graduate from highschool.  I guess with Alberta you don’t need an eduation to get a good paying job, even if it is a low end one.

So, I think about my mom every day and wonder if she is proud of me or thinks of me.  I wish I could talk to her.  I need her every day, but she’s not there and I don’t have the open communication or support from my dad, 2 half-sisters, and I can never reach my twin brother (he always has his cell turned off).  All I can do is think about all the people that passed away last year and the struggles they faced parallel my day-to-day struggles of just trying to pay rent, bills, attend classes and my 2 jobs (waitress and Teacher Assistant), and be happy.  Gosh, life is so hard!  No-one ever made it easy.  Keep going on, don’t quit is something I constantly say to myself.  4 more weeks of university left!!!

Wrong Numbers and Calgary

On one hand, I tried to call my sister and I dialed the wrong number (accidentally switched a 2 with a 7).  When an unfamilar voice answered, I still asked, “Is Clare home?”  She explained to me this was not the right number and began to ask what number I dialed.  I told her the number I dialed and she help me figure out the correct first three numbers of the phone number (as she asked many questions such as what area does she live in?) and straightened out the last 4 numbers of her number.  Nova Scotians are very helpful!!! 

On the other hand, I dialed a wrong number when I tried to call my partner teacher in Calgary.  I accidentally had her number recorded incorrectly in my cell phone and ended up talking to a young guy about my age.  I apologized alot and was positive, polite, and hung up as quickly as possible.  In this day of technology, my home phone rung and I picked it up only to receive a text message that was talking!?!  Okay, I didn’t know that could happen.  The message said, in a slow computer voice, “Sor-ry to int-er-rup-t, are you si-ng-le?”  I hung up.  OH MY GOD!  That’s all I could think.  I dial a wrong number in Halifax and they will help me find the right one and they would probably give me directions to get there too!  But in Calgary, it’s a different story – I dial a wrong number, instantly the person is picking up on me.  Stranger and all!  I was tempted to return the call.  But, knowing that Calgary is a big city and crime is growing, I decided that it is not in my best interest.  Would I have returned that kind of blind call in Halifax??  Hell, no!  Only if I was out of it and I didn’t know better.  Resiliency.  Standing up for yourself and knowing what is best for you.  I’m okay being single.  I’m okay being me.  Don’t ever expect me to do internet dating either.

Dumped Before Dating?

Can you be dumped before you start dating someone?  Or in other words, can you be dumped before you get more serious with a man?  Obviously the answer is yes; however, did I ever think it would happen to me?  I’ve been blocked and deleted off msn and facebook and this guy I liked has not responded to any of my calls or texts since I last wrote him a facebook message asking to him to help me understand him more.  To help me understand why he did a no show for a date and then expect things to be okay between us.  We never got serious but he was definitely my type of guy to be with.  It would have been nice if he kindly said he wanted no more contact with me but instead he dropped and dumped me out of his life pretty quickly.  So, I may have been out of line to call him chicken shit because I had an intuition that he would do this again (no show and not call) and that he didn’t really have his priorities set.  I did apologize however, but he did call me nasty.  That is why I wanted more clarification from him as to why he would say that.  I explained to him that I’m not nasty that I am a rather honest and soft spoken person.  He really didn’t know me and he really didn’t want to get to know me further as his interpretation of me was skewed nonetheless.  In reality, I wasn’t too fond of his Newfie ways and he annoyed me with his fruity wanna be British talk such as, “Would you like to go for a spot of tea?”  In the end, he was old fashion and not very understanding or respectful of others around him.  I wish I could have been the first to dump him; cut him out of my life like he did – but maybe I did by calling him chicken shit.  As he ran away like a dog with its tail tucked underneath.  In addition, my friends and I believe that I couldn’t have married him anyways as his last name is a derragatory swear word to put women down.  Moving on from this situation is the best thing I can do for now.  I look forward to tomorrow’s career fair at my university as there are young male police officers!!

Free

I feel free and good.  And that’s what matters in life.  Moreover, back pain can be limiting or limitless depending on the perspective taken. 

Men just don’t get it

I say I’m not interested in you.  The man says, I would like to cook you a nice salmon dinner and you can come over to my house.  But, if I recall he said the same thing last week and he did a no show.  Furthermore, I have told him over and over I do not like seafood.  And please never ask me to go to another sushi restaurant with you!  I say you should find another girl more your type and he says he doesn’t understand.  My friends back me up and remind me that I can find better.  Am I losing out an a good opportunity or am I doing the right thing by turning him down?  He did write a text message that he thinks I am nasty… that leaves a bitter taste in my mouth.  He is still too chicken shit to call.  I told him to call me.  But he logged out of msn.  The saying is men don’t understand women and women don’t understand men.  The first part of the sentence is more true than the latter half as he just doesn’t get it.  I’m not looking to date him, be his girlfriend, as he can’t even show me that he is worth being a friend.  That’s my rule, a man has to be good friends with me, get to know me, and then I’ll consider going over for dinner.  My friends also say he wants a little booty-booty call.  That’s why I backed out as I’m not that kind of girl. Get over it guy, you are not my type like I told you!  I’m looking for someone better who will treat me with respect.  As a side note, I didn’t know everyone could read my blogs.  I hope I’m in the clear and no-one reads it as I don’t feel like hand writing it into my purple journal.